I'm tired. Tired of trying to keep up appearances. Tired of trying to be everybody's everything. Tired of trying to be happy. I'm fucking exhausted.
I just feel like whatever I do will never be enough. I give and give and give and give and I just feel empty. Hollow. Fragile. Brittle. And I don't know how to fix it. And maybe I don't want to fix it. It seems like an awful lot of work for very little reward. I think maybe I just don't care anymore. What's the fucking point?
Someone told me today that I am too sensitive and that I get all worked up over "petty bullshit." Okay. Then I am done getting worked up. I don't even have the energy to be pissed off anymore. Fuck it. Who gives a good god damn. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired.
Seems to me that I spend a good amount of time making sure that everyone has everything they need and then maybe, just maybe if there is anything left for myself at the end of the day and I have an ounce of motivation I might actually take care of myself. Maybe. But I'm so tired.
I am ready to quit. I am so sick of being brow-beaten into everything that I could snap. But I am too tired to do so. I think I finally understand why my mother was so blue all the time. And why she seemed to give in. Fuck it. Why bother.
I quit.
You win.
I surrender.
I am going to sleep now.
2 comments:
Seems that you've hit "the wall". It happens, no relationship is a fairytale in the truest sense. There may be flashes, but gravity (reality) is a bitch and will bring that fairy crashing face first back into the ground with a spectacular thud. Take stock of your life, what do you want? What drives you? And remember, the only person in existence that has the key to your happiness, the only one that can get you from here to there, is you. Never quiet your voice, never divert your eyes from the prize that you seek at the behest of someone else, or to save their feelings. You'll only be selling yourself short, and ultimately them too. Keep your head up, and never stop moving forward. We have life once, and theres no use in wasting it. Love you.
Love you too, mister. I know that its me that has the key. The problem is that I put it down a very long time ago and now I can't find it. I don't know where to look and its all dark inside so I can't see anyway. Its a good thing I've got a best friend who helps to light the way when I get too lost. Miss you tons.
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