What the Hell is so Damned Special, Anyway

Sometimes I wonder about people. Here lately, mostly I wonder about myself. I'm probably just tired and frustrated, but I surely don't like myself much right at this moment.

As I'm sure my two readers know, I am dating a guy again. And he can be a really sweet, wonderful, caring man at times. And then there's the other side of him. Lord, but he can be mean! Passive aggressive mean. Catch you off guard and pick a fight just to pick a fight mean. I can't even name specifics, he is so slick about it. Grrrr. I used to say the only person who could make me feel small and insignificant was my dad, but I was sooooo wrong.

Which leads me to question myself and why I attract people like this. I swear I am the nicest person I know. I treat people like I would like to be treated and most of the time I keep my frustration bottled up inside. I know everyone has their own issues to deal with, so why bother them with mine. (Yeah, I know that was grammatically incorrect. Sue me.) Plus, I think that most of my issues are not worth bothering people.

I worry. A lot. That I really am not the person people think I am. That there is nothing truly special about me. That all I really have to offer is my body. That the only thing that keeps him interested in me is that I am good in the sack. I worry myself exhausted over all of this.

I think that part of it is that I feel like I am taken for granted. I enjoy taking care of others. Its what I do. Something to do with being female. But I can't stand that it is expected of me. That people automatically assume that I will take care of everything. I deal with the puking kids, the laundry, the cleaning, the boyfriend who needs a back rub. I deal with everything. And I don't want much in return. A simple thank you. Run a bath for me. Tell me to take it easy for five minutes, something. Let me know that I am a little appreciated. Hell.

Sigh, "I find sometimes its easy to be myself. Sometimes its better to be somebody else." Yeah, Dave again.