Jimi Thing

I have been going through an identity crisis lately. The problem being my sexual identity and what exactly that means. Tough questions run through my mind. And it sucks, because while coming out as gay was never any fun, coming back out as straight doesn't exactly sound like a walk in the park either. I don't want to hear the "I told you so" bull from my family. But I also never thought I would feel the way I feel for a man again, and all of a sudden, here I am falling head over heels for the one person I never thought I would fall for..... Sigh.

A little background info might be helpful...

I moved down to Kentucky with my girlfriend of five years about a year ago. We moved to get away from all of the drama in our home state. Most of the time we were together, we were never alone. She and I always had some part of her family leeching of us in some way or another. Now in general, I don't mind helping people, I am a very generous person. Maybe a little too generous at times, but hey....its who I am. But her family will quite literally SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF YOU!!!!! We lived in a huge five bedroom house, but she and I shared two very small rooms in that house and for the most part stayed in those two rooms. And payed a thousand dollars a month to support their useless asses!

So we get down here and finally have time to spend by ourselves, and I realize that she is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.....and I realize that's it is not a woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. And this freaks me out. For the last twelve years I have lived my life as a lesbian. And all of a sudden the only thing that makes my heart skip a beat is the thought of being with this GUY. MAN...YIKES! Holy crap, holy crap holy crap.

Now who the hell am I? So I start thinking maybe it is just a mid life crisis. Maybe what I am missing is a child. So we talked abut that and it seemed to placate my issues for awhile.

And then HE walked into the picture. My girlfriend and I, I am gay you know...swear it, are sitting outside at work smoking and this guy starts talking to her, but eyeballing me. And I'm interested...but I'm GAY, I swear to god! And I can't stop eyeballing him back. And when break is over, he's gone and I think its nothing but maybe a fluke.

Fast forward about two months and my girlfriend transfers back to shipping. Now I have forgotten that this guy was the shipping lead. And he asks my girlfriend, who he doesn't know is my girlfriend, "So what's up with your friend?" She tells him I am her girlfriend and the issue is dropped. When she got done that night, she told me about it and I was interested again. But I'm gay, swear to god.

So he and I flirt back and forth for awhile and nothing really comes of it. I still think its just a fluke, because I'm gay, remember? Maybe I just like the attention because I am getting older and its nice to be thought of as attractive.

Fast forward a few more months and I transfer back to shipping. And things are normal for awhile. He still flirts occasionally, and I think its just who he is. Because he is kind of a player, and why the hell would he be interested in me anyway. But I am interested. And maybe it was only subconscious, but I notice that I am doing things to make myself presentable before I go to work. Like blow drying my hair and such. I don't do that! Its too much work! But I find myself wanting to look nice for work.

Fast forward to today. I am sitting in his living room. Have met his kids, who I absolutely adore, and am planning on spending the rest of the weekend with him.

I think I'll take my mother's words to heart now. When I first came out to her, she said she didn't think I was gay. She said that I don't fall in love with a sex, I fall in love with a soul. I think those are about the wisest words I've ever heard. I have been beating myself up over this for way to long. I will do what makes me happy. And being with him makes me happy.

Now here's what I worry abut. He really does have a reputation for being a player. I have a serious problem with giving my heart away way too quickly. Those two don't seem to mix very well. I really like him and have fallen for his kids pretty quickly too. He has said things to me that make me think that he doesn't have intentions of doing that to me, but....

For example, he sends me texts that say how he can't stop thinking about waking up next to me every morning would be great. And texts that say he can't stop thinking about me. And says he gets butterflies when I'm not around, but when I'm with him everything is alright. He says he could spend hours kissing me. That I am an amazing woman to be with.

This boy is sweeping me off my feet. And if I am not careful, I could fall hard and fast for him.

Oh boy, but I want this to work. Call me a silly girl, but I just can't stop thinking of how easy it would be to fit into this nice little family. A beautiful little girl, a gorgeous little boy. And a hot man who also happens to be a great dad. Instant happiness, just add him.

I really had forgotten how that felt.

Sigh, here's hoping.....