Brick wall, apply head...forcefully

I've been thinking lately. Dangerous, I know. I want things, I think. But those things are not something I can reach. Or maybe they are, but I just don't know how to get them.

Every time I get on the road, I think of driving till I run out of gas. Just going. Far. West, maybe. Where the country is still mostly untamed, to match my spirit. Where there are vast open spaces, with no one there to bother me. Where I can have FIVE MINUTES OF PEACE AND DAMNED QUIET! Maybe its the Sagittarius in me, fueling my wanderlust. Maybe I am just unhappy sitting still. I just don't want to be here in this place any longer. This place in the physical sense or metaphorical sense is the bigger question.

I don't allow myself the luxury or examining these feelings very often. It depresses me, and I cannot afford depression. Depression spirals out of control in me, and I end up in worse places than where I am now.

I have to wonder if this melancholy is an inherited trait. My mother is the bluest woman I have ever known. As a child, she and I would skip through the aisles in the grocery store, singing crazy songs at the top of our lungs. And then at home, she would become this other person. The one who let her dreams be ruined by children. She had a chance to be a singer, you know. She had a chance to get out of this state. And then she got pregnant. And that was the end of her dream.

At least she has an excuse. I, on the other hand, have none. I have allowed my dreams, wants, desires to slowly die so that others would be happy. Watched them suffocate. Didn't cry even. And yes, I said allowed. I had choices. Its not like someone held a gun to my head and forced me to live the life I've lead, I did this to myself. Which is possibly the saddest statement in this post so far.

So what do I want? This is where complication sets in.

Someone once said I was smart. A few someones, actually. I want to feel that way. Not this scared, confused little girl who doesn't know up from down.

I want to go back to school. Finish my degree, any degree. Accomplish something, anything.

Someone once loved me for the person I am, and not who they thought they could mold me into. I want to feel that again. I am so tired of trying to be someone I am not. I want to be able to talk to someone without them thinking I am blaming all of my issues on them.

I want to feel something other than despondent. Blah. Grey.

I just want. And it sucks to want and not have.