Darker Still

Standing on the precipice
The vast emptiness before
Calm settles over me
Aa wieght lifted from my shoulders
I can forever fall into the dark
Grey fades to black
The great nothing consumes me
I am enveloped
The numbness sspreads
As I descend the depths
I am free
Done
Swallowed
Whole

Dark Again

This darkness is killing me
I feel it eating away at my soul
Leaving a gaping black void in its wake
The great nothing I am
Never am
Never was
Never will be
Piece by piece
I watch tiny bits of me die
Powerless to bring it to an end
Unable to stem the bleeding
I live
An empty husk
A shell

Darkness Falls

I'm tired.  Tired of trying to keep up appearances.  Tired of trying to be everybody's everything.  Tired of trying to be happy.  I'm fucking exhausted.

I just feel like whatever I do will never be enough.  I give and give and give and give and I just feel empty.  Hollow.  Fragile.  Brittle.  And I don't know how to fix it.  And maybe I don't want to fix it.  It seems like an awful lot of work for very little reward.  I think maybe I just don't care anymore.  What's the fucking point?

Someone told me today that I am too sensitive and that I get all worked up over "petty bullshit."  Okay.  Then I am done getting worked up.  I don't even have the energy to be pissed off anymore.  Fuck it.  Who gives a good god damn.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I'm tired.

Seems to me that I spend a good amount of time making sure that everyone has everything they need and then maybe, just maybe if there is anything left for myself at the end of the day and I have an ounce of motivation I might actually take care of myself.  Maybe.  But I'm so tired.

I am ready to quit.  I am so sick of being brow-beaten into everything that I could snap.  But I am too tired to do so.  I think I finally understand why my mother was so blue all the time.  And why she seemed to give in.  Fuck it.  Why bother.

I quit.

You win.

I surrender.

I am going to sleep now.